I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Yikes! Oh wow so I haven't written in this thing for, let's see..... Eight months and seven days! Give or take. Who's counting? *Ahem*

Well it has certainly been a fantastic summer, to say the least. It's my first summer away from my parents, and although I have suffered pangs of homesickness now and then, I can honestly say I am functioning well! My mother felt it was her responsibility to learn the drive to Davis so as to fulfill her matronly duties, and has visited me pretty much twice a month. I am not complaining, but it still makes me laugh when she hugs me like she hasn't seen me in forever. I do love her though.

I got a kitten finally! I named her Beatrix but, for all intents and purposes, her name is Trixie. She likes to follow me around, hopping inbetween my legs and tripping me with her tail, and take a million naps during the day in my favorite chair. It's cute and all, but she also likes to run on and around me when I'm sleeping at night. I lost a good deal of sleep the first week I had her, but it's gotten considerably better. There is much still that we need to get used to about each other, but I've been having a lot of fun!

This wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention the awesome guy I've been spending a good deal of my summer with. But yeah it's certainly been great times. This summer has turned out way better than I ever could have imagined it to be. Thanks Ray!

So I've started on a new book. I have heard good things, and am slightly giddy with anticipation. I've also started working on a new cross-stitching project. Bought a bunch of art supplies today as well. Will be keeping myself pleasantly busy this week packing for Las Vegas, stitching, and hopefully drawing and painting some. Oh and work of course. That's all for now.

Guess what day it is today? Yeah, you guessed right: today is the day I update my xanga.

I know Thanksgiving already passed--even though the warm fuzzy feelings pretty much last all the way through to New Year's--but I figure it is always the right time to reflect on the things for which you're thankful. And this month, or past month and a half, rather, I've mentally put together a hefty list.

-Friends, first and foremost. A big part of the reason why I lost myself along the way to *Neato Nirvana* is because I forgot who my friends were. The people who I thought were my friends turned out not to be. And the people who I thought had forgotten about me, well... let's just say it's a very good thing for me that they didn't. For too long I thought I didn't need friends (old or new), but I've come to realize that they have made me who I am today. They and the lack of friends have made me who I am today, actually. I've been learning, once again, Becky, that people will surprise you. I am working on trying not to be too surprised when that happens. Thanks for setting me straight without leaving my side, Thi. Thanks for reminding me of home and the better times, Brandon. Thanks for still being there no matter what, Chris. Thanks for staying up listening to music with me, Phil. Thanks for making me think, Nick. Thanks for being scared of the same things as me, Shelly. Thanks for inviting me, Greg. And thanks for remembering, Ryan.

-My Parents. When nobody else matters and you think you don't matter to anybody, these guys are there to prove you wrong. The only thing stopping me was the thought of my mom. I am glad I call her every night at 9 to say Hi, because if I didn't, my mom would not notice if I ever stopped being there. She wouldn't get worried and drive up the next day, ruining any chance of me rotting away for weeks. She would never know. Just like how I worried she would never know if my dad and I had died in that stupid car accident. I realize I'm sounding a little debbie-downer, it's just how it is right now. Or how it was, rather. And if it weren't for my parents, I would be cooking lonely meals. Without anything to cook besides insect-infested boxes of mac 'n' cheese. It's kinda sad that it took this shit to bring my parents and I closer, but obviously I am trying to see the brighter side of that.

-Music. You don't know how many hours I listened to those emo cd's I put together. You don't know for how long I sang and bawled along drunkenly. And when I crept quietly and determinedly downstairs into the kitchen, knowing I would be ignored just as easily if I stomped and stumbled, towards the happy-to-be-of-service utensils drawer, my music was upstairs waiting to serve as background noise for a Really Fucked Up Time In My Life. As for chorus and chamber: I have never skipped again since that day, my birthday. Chamber was hell for about one night. Singing still makes me happy. And I have an awesome buddy to lift my ta-ta's with. That's a sad attempt at a musical phrasing joke, mind you.... I still listen to the uber-depressing playlist sometimes, but it doesn't make me cry so much.. Completed sometime in the wee hours of one lame November night, I affectionately called it "PUtP, CtC" (go ahead and ask the real and long name), and I thought I'd share it with whoever gives a darn. It means a lot to me.

Garbage - You Look So Fine
Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
Oasis - Wonderwall
Denali - The Instinct
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Weezer - Butterfly
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Spiritualized - Broken Heart
Red House Painters - All Mixed Up
Nick Drake - Which Will
Matt Munro - From Russia With Love (seemingly random but truly not)
Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
The Postal Service - Against All Odds
Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky
Shelby Lynne - Wall In Your Heart
Cat Power - Good Woman
Bright Eyes - It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends
Damien Rice - Cannonball
(If you do plan on giving this a listen, I highly recommend checking out the lyrics... And if you have reason to believe or wonder whether any of those songs mean the same as they did before or are directed at the same person, there is a good chance the answer is affirmative.)

-Believe it or not, Xanga. Reading through old entries helped me regain a feel for who I used to be, back when I was happy with myself, and what parts I've lost. I've really gone soft, and it's a shame. I know you're not supposed to dwell on the past, but I don't think you're supposed to forget it either. Seriously, one of the quickest remedies to pain in the present is the memory of happiness in the past. I fell off my birch tree, Andrew, but I think I am getting the hang of swinging in the breeze again...

-The Will to Keep Trying. Once in a while, you will get the feeling you've been trying too hard. Then you just don't feel like trying at all anymore. Then you give up. Then someone helps set you straight. Then you put together a little plan with little steps to get your little life back to being something big and important (in your eyes at least). Sometimes one of the little steps is to reconcile, because if broken things can't be fixed (I mean, it's the thought that counts right?), then at least you try to come to terms with it and make sure someone who matters knows that you know you made a mistake. Sometimes that person doesn't want to hear anything anymore. And you are probably never going to bother reading this either. But at least through the internet it's one-sided enough that you can read this and never let on that you did. And that is fine with me, but I know I need to get this out there somehow. You told me to forget about it, but I think I can quote you on this when I say I believe in forgive, but don't forget. Maybe you still don't think I have anything to forgive you about, but at least on my end I am for the most part fine. It is beyond whether or not I care that you care. I care, and if I'm the only one who does, then so be it. I know I messed up big time, and I did things that made people wonder if they ever knew me at all. Well the only two people I know who felt that way will probably always feel that way, and that is too damn bad because they don't want to know who I am. They want me to be the person they thought I was. Lately I have come to realize that those kinds of people don't matter, because I reckon I can say the same things about them, that they have tested my will to stay friendly. Maybe we never knew each other at all, and that makes me kind of sad. I thought you were always going to be on my side. Why did you assume I would still be there waiting for you? Honestly, what would be the point? Maybe it boils down to who made whom do crazy shit first. But I don't want to know who's to blame, because it won't help knowing. I still think of you, more than I should, because I know you have not cooled down, not by a long shot. Yes it matters to me that you cool down. Write it off if you want. But make sure you are cool with yourself, and not just trying too hard to make yourself and other believe you are. Believe what you want, but if you were really over it, we'd probably still be talking. Because you swore we'd be friends forever, on the condition that I didn't cheat on you. And I didn't. So I reckon something got lost in translation or execution along the way. But then again, I don't think I was all there anymore. I'm still not all here. I'm working on it.

The scars have been healing pretty well, which leads me to infer that the wounds were probably not as deep and absolute as I originally thought. Wounds are, after all, only temporary. This is encouraging, and reminds me all hope is not lost. I thought I could find something that hurt more than love or the lack of it, or at least something that hurt enough to prepare me for the next hurt. I've come out of that with the realization that loveorlackofit is probably the hurtiest thing as far as I know. Loneliness hurts too, but it's more of a passive pain... But at least we know we are still alive right? Ready to take on the next great and horrible thing? Because you just cannot open yourself to good things without expecting some bad things to seep or even rush in.

Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away....

Today is one of those would-have-been holidays. As in: Today would have been .....

Thank You.

=Iz